So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
