He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
