Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
