Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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