maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
