This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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