im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
