also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
