I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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