just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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