He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
