I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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