you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
