not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just cut my nipple shaving
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
