I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i've created a new STD.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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