I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
PANTIES FOUND
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
