# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
