if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
