I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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