I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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