Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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