I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
