how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
