I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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