I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
