My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
