I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
