I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
