I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
