Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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