I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
