Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
