It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
