remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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