Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
