aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
