i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
