we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
