i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
