Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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