I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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