His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
