I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I am one with the molecules
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
