Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
