Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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