tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
