i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
