i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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