my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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