You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
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Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
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Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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