It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish they made helmets for livers.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
