I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
