The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
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I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize