i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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